Living vs. Existing

Life is tiring when you don't have what you want...or what you think you want. Unfortunately, my want is more of a need. You need money to live a decent life. At this point, I don't want to "get ahead"....I'd be more than happy with just paying bills on time and be able to pay off 1/4 of my/our debts. I try to count my blessings every day, but I can't sit here and wish that we could just grow bananas or something and use that as barter...lol. I don't like to feel like I am just existing. I want to LIVE, and I feel like I am not making good use of my time right now.

That being said, I hope I can use my weekend to re-charge...re-energize.

It's been THAT long!!??

3/31/09 10:25am

Wow, what a slacker I AM! I can't believe it's been almost 2 months since my last post. If I've lost interested readers, hell, can't blame ya! But hopefully you'll bear with me and my absence.

My little wiggle worm is growing by leaps and bounds. Since I last wrote (hopefully the new updates aren't repeats of what she was doing last post) but she's definately found her giggle. I don't know a more beautiful sound in the world. Her tummy and under her chin are her giggle points. It wouldn't matter if the world was falling all around me. Hearing that laugh will cheer me up instantly.

She is able to pull herself up both into a sitting position (holding onto mine or Prestons hands) and a standing position. Dr. said that usually that hits at the 6 month mark so she's advanced at that aspect.

I was finally able to get rid of the CRADLE CRAP last night incorporating some advice from the doc at the 4 month visit. I took some baby oil and poured a good amount on her head and took one of those little baby combs that come with the soft bristle baby brushes and basically raked through her head getting all those little scales of dry skin off of her head. It worked like a charm! I was hesitant to give her a bath afterwards thinking the new skin might be sensitive to the baby shampoo, but she loved it.

It was also her FIRST BIG GIRL BATH!!! I finally unwrapped those mesh dojobbys that sit in the tub and she LOVED it. I think she will be just like her mama- a fish to water! She kicked and kicked...she was so happy. So (even though it KILLS my back) I think that is the way we will be taking baths from now on. It was funny tha teach time she kicked and got water in her face, she just had this wide-eyed look like OMG what was that hitting my face! But Mom had a dry washcloth to help dab away the drops. =)

We are still breastfeeding/pumping. I've decreased pumping at work to 1x a day for a couple of reasons. Work is tense and layoffs are immenant. Taking almost a 30 minute break (which should be 15) could draw unwanted attention to me....and even though I informed my manager of the extended time...still...I need my job. Enough said.

I fed her rice cereal for the first time on 3/14. She took to it like I thought- Food means Eat. She's even trying to hold the spoon...which of course creates a little (lot) more of a mess, but it's to be expected. I will be starting her on a couple of vegetables in the next couple of weeks. I know the traditional time is 6 months, but I think she is ready now. Fruits will wait until we've tried a good amount of veggies.

Her head control on her tummy is great. Sitting up in her bumbo seat is good...but she definately needs to be watched because she tends to topple over. She's learned a new trick though. I was in the shower last weekend, with her in her bopper (was going to bring her in the shower with me for convinience sake) and she has started to place her feet in a way to move her body forward. By the time you realize it, the little shit has almost managed to slide herself almost completely off of the bopper. It's a good thing that I was watching her.

Let's see...anything else...oh yeah. We have started to make the transition from bassinet in Mom and Dads room to crib. It's been going "ok", but she's been waking up at 2:30 in a crying fit, and I'm so tired by that point I've been bringing her into the bed with me. Not a good habit. I will try my damndest not to do it tonight. I haven't been sleeping (at all really) so it's difficult for me to function half awake. We will watch the DVD shortly here this week and make sure we are BOTH in it (so Mom isn't the only one getting up) and crossing all apendages, hoping it goes well.



Pres and I relationship has definately been suffering since baby. But we try. What else can we do? I think a date night is definately in order...for both our sanity.

Well, it's almost 11. I wanted to try to hit the hay a little earlier tonight so I'll sign off.

Here's to hump day and half the week is almost behind us! April arrives tomorrow!

At a loss for words...

That doesn’t happen often…which is why I haven’t really written anything lately.

I can’t wait to start scrapbooking her (Addy). Scrapbooking is just so damn expensive. I actually got jealous of one of my out of town friends…she was going to a scrapbooking CLUB get together. I went so far as to look online for clubs like that in my area. Trouble is, I’d much rather check it out with a girlfriend in case they are actually a group of ax murderers…none of which I have IN TOWN. So, I’ll settle for a glass of wine, my couch and coffee table. Party for one! Now to find the time to do it!

It is my birthday week! :) Tomorrow night going to a fancy pants ale house, then Friday going to one of my favorite seafood joints. Dressed in your best of course! Hell, I'd be happy eating those crab legs naked on those crab boats in the Bering Sea....just give me some lemon and butta! This will be the husbands and mine 1st date since baby...can you sense the anticipation and excitement??? I'm REALLY looking forward to some adult time. Thanks to Nana, our evening will also be free of worry! :)

It feels like Antarctica here. Lows in the 20's??!!! WHAT THE HELL? I did NOT sign up for this shit. Well, off to shower, pump, and bed.

Thanks for tuning in!

A Short Story

I'm stressed. Having a glass of wine. Will probably have another and finish the bottle.

That's really all I wanted to say. I don't have the energy to type anything else! :)

Hope everyone has a great week.

A necessary evil

I know I have to work...right now I have to...but I wish I didn't. I can't help but get jealous over the time her Nana and Dad (even if it is off and on) get to spend with her during the day. Don't get me wrong, I am SO thankful that we are blessed to have Grandma watching her! But the little things she does that I don't get to see...sure, it's hard.



I missed her a lot this week. I really only get to see her for a couple of hours when I get home, and when part of that time is feeding, it doesn't leave a whole lot of time for her and I. We have her on a rough routine of getting to bed between 8pm-9pm, and she will sleep for about 6-7 hours. It seems less to me...because I don't go to bed until 12. It's so difficult to balance baby and everything else.



One of the "everything else" is my diet/exercise. I have to get a handle on this. I think we'll go to the park tomorrow after work. It is supposed to be a high of 62. This after 2 weeks of bitter cold. I'll bet that I still have ice on my windshield tomorrow.



Ah well, time for bed.

The many little things

She’s so funny. It’s amazing how somebody so small in age, body and mind can have such a personality. She already has a few idiosyncrasies. She hates hats…or anything covering her head. When she’s ready to eat, the girls ready to eat. Her mouth chops about 10 times a second til I make her open wide so she doesn’t further damage my poor ladies. She has full conversations with me. Really. Facial expressions and all. Her favorite words right now are: Ah-goo. Ah-boo. Owwww. Gurgle…ok that’s more of a sound. She’s been smiling since the day she was born. She is starting to giggle!!! One of her (and mine) favorite things to do right now is I hold her in my hands, and bounce her up and down 3 times, saying “HI, HI, HI!!!”. She thinks its hilarious! She prefers tummy time on my or Prestons chest versus a floor mat.

And I don’t want to brag or seem partial, but my kid is smart. Alongside the daily conversation, she’s had great head control since about 4 weeks. She can’t hold her head up fully yet of course, and it’s improving everyday, but it’s amazing how well she’s doing. Her Nana (Prestons Mom) says she can’t believe the things she can do. She says that my nephew (who is about 7-8 months older) wasn’t doing those things that early. Of course this makes me all warm inside. I just hope that I do enough for her to nurture her intelligence.

It’s hard being a working Mom. Really hard. I am thisclose to having a breakdown today. I feel very run down…mentally, physically, emotionally. I’ve been going to bed no earlier than 12 every night. I can’t complain, but she is waking up 1-2 times a night, around 3am then again around 6-6:30. I sometimes may have to be up around that time to pump, depending on my performance the day before (pumping-wise). She needs at least 3oz a feeding, 3 times a day. I wish I would produce more milk.

Pumping at work…yeah. It’s fine, and luckily I have an office that I can go into. It can get kind of cold in there though. It’s a conference room in the back of the building but at least it has a lock, frosted glass and shades to shut for privacy. Really it’s ideal. It takes me around 15-20 minutes just to pump. It’s difficult trying to fit a full pump session from start to finish into a 15 minute break. Ain’t gonna happen. I try to have my parts cleaned and ready to go, but with the hectic schedule in the morning, sometimes that isn’t possible. I even forgot my cones in the refridgerator yesterday. I went a whole 6 hours without pumping (I usually pump every 2 ½ - 3 hours). Needless to say, I got 5 ½ ounces in that session. I had to drive home to do it though. Luckily my sister who is in town for a week was able to make me a sandwich for lunch.

I am really, really trying to stick this breastfeeding out. REALLY. But this is hard, HARD work. I read an article that suggests, along with the other 50 pieces of literature that I have read, that you should BF at least 6 months and that 1 year would be ideal. Ughhhhhhhhhhh. Like I said, I am really going to try to stick through it as long as I can. I am going to ask the pediatrician at her 2 month appointment how to introduce formula into her diet. I only want to do ½ oz or 1oz a feeding for now. Just so she’ll get the taste of it and be a little more full at the feeding. She can sure suck down a bottle. I was gone Sunday night with my sister to Babies R Us and the grocery store…and Preston gave her 7 oz in 3 hours. Yeah. That would have been the reason why I needed to pump 2x that night and in the morning to get her milk. I was none too happy. I just can’t believe she ate that much in that short of a time period.

My 2nd week back to work has been OK. I don’t feel like a mental breakdown from just missing the baby, so that is good. I am going to need to work on my arrival time though, otherwise I’m waving a red flag to my new boss…HEY, I’M A DELINQUENT!!! Being on time was never one of my strong suits. And it’s not that I don’t respect other peoples time, I just can’t get going fast enough. I do NOT like getting up in the morning. I hate mornings. But I guess it’s not about me any more. I’m slowly and painfully getting used to it.

I’m exhausted now. I can’t wait to go home.

Back to work

Got my things packed and ready the night before. Lunch, snacks...massive amount of snacks because of the hunger pumping leaves me in. Got up at 6am. Fed her, pumped, showered, out the door at 7:40 am...even arrived a little early (not-typical!) I was fine. She was sleeping when I left which I think definately helped the transition. I forced myself to not think about her. Then got a call from Preston on the way there. I broke down. Calmed myself before coming into the office. I was good the whole day...even when he called to give me an update letting me know she was ok with her Nana (his Mom). I got into my truck with a sense of excitement and urgency. Pulled out of the parking lot, then came the waterworks.

I cried hysterically the whole way home, yet was still very excited. I drove about 45-50 the whole way...all in 35mph zones. I have a lead foot anyway. I got it together and walked up to the apartment and came in to her sleeping on Nana. I said immediately, "I have to hold her!". I picked her up...crying again.

All in all a good day. Today is better. It is the only way to get through is to put up a virtual wall. I of course WANT to know how she is doing...but I think for this week I'll just ESP her and just KNOW she is ok. :)

Mom called last night to check to see how my 1st day back was. That was nice. She also told me that my cousin got married. And that they are pregnant. I think the kid needs a talking to about birth control. (He has another child not 2 years old...) Oh well. I hope they live long and happy lives together.

I'm at work right now...guess the wall went down a little today. Ah well, back to work.

2009!

What a year 2008 has been! And what a year 2009 will be! I'm so excited to see all of the great things to come, and watch my family grow.

We had a great Christmas. Miss Addy got a boatload of stuff, including clothes, books, toys...all of which I have no room for in my tiny apartment. Mom and Dad didn't do so shabby either. I got a new purse =) We went to Fall Creek Falls, TN which is a state park. His family gets together every other year and has a reunion. It was nice seeing them again. Unfortunately his grandma Sally passed away this year. She was very much missed. I thought about her often. Grandad seems to be doing well. He seemed very happy to be around his loved ones. He especially enjoyed meeting his great grandson and great granddaughter.

Unfortunately Addison has come down with a cold. It is the same cold that our cousins child Selah had, which was passed onto our nephew Agustin. It thankfully is a no-fever cold...but still nagging and bothersome to say the least. I hope she can get over it soon, and that Preston and I will not catch it. Neither of us have gotten a flu shot at this point, and I'm hoping we can avoid catching a cold til at least mid January when we can get the shots. We were able to see the doctor at the very last minute. They basically kept the office open for us as we pretty much made a last ditch effort to see the dr. They only were open 1/2 day today due to the holiday...She is now 12lbs 1oz!

Tonight was uneventful but relaxing. We put the baby to bed around 10pm, we ate dinner and watched The Fugitive. I'd never seen it before. Definately a good movie!

I will be working on a few things tomorrow: cleaning the apartment, and starting the list of goals for 2009 for myself and my family. This is something that I've started to do every year. Some are met, others not so much, but they are a good reminder that we can always better ourselves in some way and improve. If anything, they are a momento in remembering the year before!

Time for bed now.