Happy New Year: 2011

It's not quite the New Year yet...but I am waiting on my glass of wine (well, waiting for the bottle to get here) to start bringing in the NY. It's better for everyone this way...as I am PMSING from the depths of hell. I can tell my blood pressure is through the roof...but with so many things escalating it, it's difficult to keep it at a normal level.

My sister and her SO are going out tonight. Made reservations at some restaraunt at 5:30. I wasn't asked to go...wasn't asked or told anything...it's my first NY here, and I have no idea what they are even doing. I wonder if our relationship will ever be the same; no, it won't. I can't see how it could be. When your own sister treats you like garbage like she'd throw on the side of the street, when her SO kicks you and your husband and toddler out (like garbage she'd throw on the side of the street) in February (dead of WINTER) and not even speak a WORD to you about it (she still hasn't and we learned about this over a month and a half ago), and add up the other hundreds of fucked up things that have been said, done, acted upon, or not said, not done, etc...it's difficult.

I can always hope that it will be "normal" again...I'm not that much of a pessimist. But the old saying goes, "forgive, but not forget". I can only hope in another 6 months that we have landed on our feet, and we can flip the "success" bird to every single person here that has treated us like shit since we've gotten here.

Time will tell...and we will land on top.

It's been that long?! 2010: In review

Last post: January 7th, 2010.

Unacceptable!! I can't believe I've went almost an entire year and not posted a damn thing...in retrospect though, it was a trying year.

I'll give a short run-thru on what I can remember...we had to move into my MIL's due to finances. While all of her help was appreciated, we should have just moved to a cheaper place. Living with ANYONE is going to be difficult, especially when you are used to doing everything your way. We'd lived and been on our own since around the 3rd month of dating. We got our 1st apartment and enjoyed every second of it.

I lost my job mid-June (where I'd been working for over 2 years) because of a manager and team that despised me. I only had a handful of people there that I could count on. Unfortunately, this combined with a living situation and decrease in our income was a great recipe for depression. It was something that I had a very difficult time pulling myself out of, and unfortunately lasted for several months.

Addison to this day, continues to be a joy. She is my everything. She and Preston were the only things driving me to continue even on my darkest days. She is so smart. She picks up information like a sponge. She is talking SO much now...and thanks to the North Country, she's learned her first curse word. "Oh shit"...

I realized about July that we/I needed a change. I'd been talking to Pres for the past year pretty hardcore about moving. That my family was here...that we'd have more of a support system, etc. I also felt that it would help pull me out of my funk. I set the wheels in motion after months of debate...asked my Dad if he might be able to come help...set up living arrangements with my sister (6 months of rent-free stay)...my buddy Val so generously offering to help with a couple of bills...everything in motion.

One thing that did put a damper on the excitement of moving though...our beloved (?...a question mark because he was not a friendly animal to 99% of things he came into contact with) cat Bobbie, who we'd had since we started dating, disappeared. He seemed to be eating less but was acting ok otherwise, left one day and never came back. He was a tough cat right until the end...but having him leave us so suddenly really stung. I called him for weeks. Looked around the streets, woods...I just hope that he died quickly and didn't suffer. I love him and miss him very much, and will never forget him. RIP Bobbie...<3

The end of September came quickly. MIL was devastated of course. Addy has been with her since birth...I can't blame her. Her time with Addy was cut short due to the short time notice and her leaving town for the Galapagos. She said prior to leaving that it would essentially "ruin her trip" if we left...but in my heart, I knew it was something that had to be done. My father came and stayed around a week. His truck in tow, able to pull the biggest pull-behind U-haul (that we could afford), and the frantic packing process began.

Long story short, we had to leave many things behind. You really do not realize how much SHIT you have until you move...particurlarly when moving. Major essentials were left behind...dressers, a brand new recliner...clothing...Mamas "fun toys"....oh yes. MAJOR essentials! And so, we have them stored at MIL's until we can get back there, or until Mom and Dad are able to bring some things back on the chance they decide to take a trip there.

The last day and a half is a blur. We continued packing into the night and into the morning the next day. The house was left in disarray. The night before, his father and aunt told us that they would have no problem cleaning up (seeing how the house looked and the little time we had) after we left. We got up around 5am, packed the vehicles to their bursting point, and took off: Dad in his truck w/the U-haul, Pres and Hudson in the Sonoma, and myself and Addy in the Nissan.

The trip was long and exhausting. I'd never driven that far, that long in my life. I had to call it early on the 1st day, because I was so tired. Unfortunately this left us with around 11+ hours of driving the next day. I can't lie...I was thisclose to nodding off a few times. I told the guys to pull off at rest stops when I could. Having your child in the car and knowing you could kill the both of you because you are tired...well it just isn't an option. The 2nd day seemed worse. Traveling to the most Northern tip of NY is a daunting task. You hit NY, only to have to drive another 6+ hours. And it's nothing but forest. Nothing interesting to look at. Just TREES.

We finally arrived on October 5th, 2010 at around 7pm at my parents house in Malone, NY. My hometown. I never thought I would be so happy to see that place again.

Since our stay here (today is December 30th, 2010), it has been a mixed bag of emotions. Our first month seemed to go ok. My sisters was a small house on a main drag...mixed in with his children coming every other weekend. Makes for a pretty full house: 4 adults, 1 infant, 2-3 other children, 2 dogs, and 2 cats...but like I said, the first month went ok. Fairly drama-free, no issues...

I think it was a few days or a week before we hit our first 1 month anniversary when drama and problems reared their ugly head. There are too many things to mention. A multitude of things such as being asked for rent, dealing with a personality in the house (that has multiple personalities)...and ultimately dealing with someone who just wants you out of sight in your own home. We are coming up on our 3 month anniversary of being here (and just having the 2 1/2 month anniv. of actually living in this house) and it seems like an eternity.

We've both said, "we thought it would be different"...which makes me think, did I do the RIGHT thing by moving us here? It's something that I've been asking myself constantly. Luckily, Pres was able to find a job within about 3 weeks of being here. I am still looking. I have a 2nd interview with an established trucking company next week. I am crossing my fingers. Otherwise, I will be searching out retail and restraunts.

We've been advised we must move by February 1st. We will not have been here 4 months when we will be kicked out. The funny (?) thing is, my sister didn't even have the balls to tell me this. And more than likely, wouldn't have brought it up at all. This was communicated through her FI to Preston, who then passed it to me. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't keep quiet for long about things that are bothering me, so naturally it had to come out in conversation somewhere. The excuse I got? "You are difficult to talk to". Gee. You'd think if I was kicking MY sister out, I'd at least have the balls to tell her. In the end, it's best for everyone, but it's still a knife in the heart. I didn't expect it to be easy. Any of it, but I at least expected my family to act like...well...FAMILY.

I have been saying since we moved in, "If the shoe was on the other foot"...and it's true. I'm not so heartless as to kick my sister and her family out on their ass because my husband can't "handle" it. I'd tell him to get the fuck over it...but I guess some relationships don't work that way. And I'll never understand it. Maybe it's not for me to understand. But that doesn't mean I have to be accepting of their relationship. It's not a state secret that I fucking HATED him when they first started dating. I don't think it's normal for someone 16 years a MINORS senior to be dating an 18 year old. I think it's disgusting. I told both of them how I felt. And this pushed my sister away for years. I finally came to find my own "peace" with it, and figured if she is going to find out it's a mistake, then she's going to have to find out on her own. A little reverse psychology? Just don't say anything...

Then our wedding in 07 came around. He helped out so much and helped to make our day wonderful. It helped me to be accepting of their relationship and I backed off. But now seeing what I've seen, heard what I've heard, and experienced what they live...I find it difficult to continue to be supporting. When you are told (from Pres of course) that I "manipulate my sister everytime I speak to her"....and that "he would benefit more out of them getting married if they got divorced"...I'm sorry. Warm and fuzzy doesn't become me. Warm and fuzzy has officially left the building.

So, we're about a month away from moving. We have yet to find an apartment (we're more than likely moving in w/my brother to help save on $$...) and things again, seem to be in disarray. I can only hope that in moving out of here, things will start to fall into place, and we can finally call this town, "Home".

Hope everyone has a happy and prosperous 2011!


"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
-Dolly Parton

Welcome 2010...taking a look back, PG style.

New year, time to start posting! Well Addy turned 1 year Nov 8th. She is 14 months old, tomorrow. It's crazy to think how fast time is flying. Everytime I say 14 months...I think back to how it seems like just yesterday how I was just ME and Pres and Husdon...then this THING happened...I got pregnant...knocked up...bun in the oven. I cried for hours. I had to stop taking medicine...stop drinking...stop thinking about myself. What a shock to the system. But I did it. I had no panic attacks the entire time I was pregnant. I found out that I was HPV positive which makes you more prone to cervical cancer. I had to have a colposcopy done very early in my 2nd tri that was extremely uncomfortable.

FFW to 20 weeks. I piss blood at work. Natural reaction is to freak out. I immediately went to the OB to get checked out. Everything was fine...later that night, I am sitting on the recliner and I all of a sudden start to feel like I've pulled a muscle in my back. It rapidly progresses from feeling like that to major pain. From major pain...unable to lie down or get comfortable, and needing to head to the hospital. After about a week, 2 visits to 2 different hospitals, ultrasounds, lots of drinking water upon water upon water upon water...turns out it was a kidney stone. I immediately adjusted my intake of TUMS (most kidney stones are calcium rocks, essentially). I lived with my heartburn for basically the duration of my pregnancy. I would not wish the pain upon my worst enemy.

Once I hit 30 weeks, time flew by like it was nothing!! I stopped working a week before my due date, FULLY expecting that I would have her in the next week based on the way I felt. She was a week late. Combine being in the house with your mother who has already been there 3 weeks and has wore out her welcome...well...I was very anxious to have the baby. My last visit to the doctor consisted of scheduling my inducement and a check to see how far along I was. Needless to say, the doctor I saw that day (there were a rotation of about 7 at the practice...which was a sore point because I could not CHOOSE who I wanted to deliver) was a rookie. She gave me a VERY rough exam, and I stand by the fact that I would not have gone into labor that night if she'd been more experienced.

Contractions started at 8pm on 11/7, and continued through the night. I did not get any sleep, and woke Preston up at around 3am to tell him it was time to go. I called the messaging service at the doctors, and let them know. They told me all the typical stuff...take a shower, relax, breath...contractions were getting closer and closer together so *I* knew damn well this wasn't a drill. Hell, I didn't even "feel" the braxton hicks contractions during most of my pregnancy because I thought they were gas. LOL!

I pushed for a total of 30 minutes before I had her. We had a little hairy moment where her heartbeat slowed...before I knew it they were putting oxygen on me, telling me to breathe...I just felt so sorry for Preston. He looked scared. It broke my heart. I was so out of it I didn't have any encouraging words...we just held hands. And before I knew it...there she was. My little pookie.

And I wouldn't take back one minute.

Happy New Year to all! I hope that it is the most wonderful yet, for ya'll and us.

Much love,

Manda